Reflections on how I learn to live life with faith.
In continuing my reflection about these encounters that I have had regarding “potential relationships” but have failed, this blog post has been entitled Ms. Wrong. Ms. Wrong because this is a reflection of my journey when I believe I have found Mr. Right but felt insecure because I’m probably Ms. Wrong for him.
I’ve met and gone out with a lot of different guys, but this man stands out the most. Ever since living the single life, I’ve kept my personal likings from guys on a level of brother-sister relationship (1 Peter 3:8). Mostly because my intention is to really just be friends, and for the select few, to really get to know the person and see if there’s a potential spark blessed by God that may happen (or may not).
To clarify: My relationship status is single and my single-hood status is “not looking”. However, it does not take away the fact that I do pray for a godly husband, while I prepare myself to be a woman of God, and a submissive godly wife. I’m just afraid of making the same mistakes I’ve made in the past, and I really want to make things right this time around. I do not want to rush going into a relationship because I want to have one or I miss having one. I want to commit into a relationship because with God’s blessing and God’s grace, this relationship that I will commit into will lead into marriage. That is why, I do not seek nor pray for a boyfriend, I’m seeking and praying for a husband.
“If you’re not ready to consider marriage or you’re not truly interested in marrying a specific person, it’s selfish and potentially harmful to encourage that person to need you or ask him or her to gratify you emotionally or physically.”
― Joshua Harris, I Kissed Dating Goodbye
So if one could say that my standards were too high, too perfect and too impossible… and that I will never meet someone who will meet all of my standards, well… I believe that I have met him. It’s weird when I felt that I will never meet someone who ticked my checklist (except one). Ever since getting to know him
(because I’ve met him before during events as an acquaintance before I got to know him), he has been in my mind for months now. And I praise the Lord that I did get to know him, at the same time, I’m praying to God to foster and grow the relationship and keep it attuned to His plans that hopefully it will blossom on the right time. I am also praying that if he is not the one, to keep this person away from me because I do not want to invest my feelings for someone that will only end up in a heartache.
Everything seemed too good to be true. Meeting the list that I have long abandoned, and someone my family and friends really like for me. They say that we have the same likes, hobbies, and even look-a-like. We have photos together where people tell me that we seem comfortable with each other and that we look great together. I enjoyed talking and messaging him, and was keen on reading his responses. It just seemed too good to be true… and like the others, actions without any confirmation through words are nothing… and I can’t assume anything unless there’s a confirmation. I was liking him, but does he like me? I like all the effort and attention he gives, but is it because he is just really that friendly? Otherwise, he’s one great friend, which I happen to start to really like and pray for.
Blame me for being naive, but I really don’t want to assume anything even if the ‘signs’ and ‘effort’ were already there in front of me. Even my brother and my mom think that I was too slow that maybe I should be the one courting him, or my brother will court him on my behalf (#datdesperation). I was bordering more on he was such a nice friend rather than, he’s a man interested in me. I didn’t want to gamble.
He’s still on my mind, which is very rare for someone to still live inside my head. I’m usually quick to just stranger-zone someone. I can be a snob to someone if I want to, and I do a very good job at it. But eventually the communication faded, and perhaps the realities of life started to set in. Our common friends told me that perhaps I gave off signs that I was not interested, or that I reply for a long time, or that I have high standards. Believe me, I showed interest and it takes awhile for me to respond but I reply with eagerness and took effort to sit down, think and type long responses. But maybe what we ‘had’ was too good to be true, and at the end of the day we’re still two completely different people.
As our closeness faded through distance, I start to feel that it was perhaps impossible for someone like him to like and be interested in someone like me. I have nothing to offer. He was in all aspects (and I’m probably exaggerating) — perfect. He’s not boyfriend material, but husband material. I’m a nobody, a nerd nobody who has just started to walk a different career life… he was already established career-wise. He’s already there and has got everything going for him, even if he has his own weaknesses and failures. I’m still a work in progress. I’m just a nobody
who can get away posting a Facebook status or photo and will end up with no Facebook likes or an average of about ten likes. And no matter how much the others convince me, my fear in relationships crept in.
The previous guys that I have met, are the ones whom I feel like I can level with them or sometimes even level-up against them in terms of accomplishments. When I met this guy, he has a lot of accomplishments and travels and excelled in his hobbies which inspired me and at the same time made me feel insecure and not worthy for him. I feel inadequate and I feel that there must be hundreds of other women wooing and seeking for his attention… Who am I? Cue in music: You’re a god by Vertical Horizon
Although accomplishments are not essential qualities in a relationship, I still felt that I’m not good enough. Until I was reminded of what was one of my goals as a woman preparing to be a godly wife. A woman of God is someone who is submissive to her husband. A woman of God serves and helps the husband. I am created as the Eve in the relationship, and am not meant to do the works and responsibilities that are meant to be the work of Adam.
I’ve told my insecurities to one of my female mentors. She told me that she really likes the two of us for each other. She thinks we are a great match, because she knew him first before she met me. I’ve expressed my feelings of telling her that I am very inadequate and unworthy of this man. She told me not to think like that because I am worth waiting for. That I am a woman of God who is a rare gem, and that true beauty is not based on the physical aspects because it will fade (Proverbs 31:10, 30). The true beauty of a woman is a woman who fears the Lord, as God’s standards of beauty is skin-deep. She also emphasised that, even if I was an unworthy sinner, Jesus died for me. So if Jesus saw and knows my worth, why should I feel inadequate for someone if a true God bled and died for me? And so, I realised that yes, I am a woman of God that is worth waiting and pursuing for. And I will maintain my belief in relationships that I will not entertain anyone or enter into a relationship if marriage is not the goal.
“Women need to remember that if nature has made them plain, grace can make them beautiful, and if nature has made them beautiful, good deeds can add to their beauty. Grace will make you beautiful and will attract truly godly men to you. Make godliness and inward beauty your priority.”
― Joshua Harris, Boy Meets Girl: Say Hello to Courtship
Pursuing what could have been, is a pursuit in vain. I was chatting with a guy friend of mine in the Philippines and he told me, “you’re like pursuing someone that is too perfect like a god, and usually when I pursue girls who I think are like a god — it doesn’t happen.” So, a bit of reality check, I am making him a god? I’ve made that mistake before,
I’ve put my previous relationship on a pedestal that my whole world revolved around him, and I do not want to make that mistake again. So I’ve decided to put things to an end and stop wondering what is not happening and be content of what we have at the moment. I’ve stopped this obsession and mind-games over what has been and what could have been between us. It’s only going to hinder me from seeing God, and I want my dependence to base on God’s plan and God’s time. It’s selfish of me to continue seeking his name in my prayers and keep poking on God to unveil His plan for the both of us, when it is not yet time — or we are both not meant for each other. And I might make the mistake of seeing him as a perfect man when the only perfect man is Jesus, whom I should always set my eyes and heart on.
“Just because something is good doesn’t mean we should pursue it right now. We have to remember that the right thing at the wrong time is the wrong thing.”
― Joshua Harris, I Kissed Dating Goodbye
I think that even if a lot of people think that we are a great match, I have to accept the fact that perhaps we are not. I think that I have to let go of that constant thinking because I have to let God be the God of my life. I think that I have to let go of my hands that closed both my ears, so that I can listen to God’s instructions. I think that I have to give him up, I have to surrender him to God.
I have to let you go now.
“When you let God be God you can let humans be humans. When we place God in His rightful place in our lives, we don’t struggle so much when human relationships let us down.”
― Joshua Harris, I Kissed Dating Goodbye: A New Attitude Toward Relationships and Romance
Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. – James 1:17