Reflections on how I learn to live life with faith.
And we have come to the last part of my HOPE blog series. If you have just come to read my blog, for the past few days, I have been posting the HOPE blog series where I intend to provide a quick summary of my reflection of how 2014 was for me.
The first three posts I’ve made regarding Hope are provided below:
4. H.O.P.E. – Hold on, Pain ends.
The year 2014 for me was a year where I was hopeful that whatever pain 2013 and the previous years have caused me, the pain will eventually end. Pain is not there forever, and at the same time it does not take one night for the pain to just automatically fade. It is an emotion that will just fleet away subtly, and by the time I come back into it, the pain is no longer there.
The pain of losing trust to a friend or friends, especially those I considered to be like siblings was an integral part of my 2014. It is not good at all to have to drop people off, but sometimes it is for the best. Like what I mentioned on part 2 of my Hope reflection, I’m leaving it to God’s time to mend things. I felt that people especially the older ones
(who feel they have the entire picture of the situation and can easily butt in your personal life without consent, or can read me as they claim to have read people for a lot of years of their existence), forces things and it is as if we’re like puppets without feelings who can just come back to the way things were…. particularly when trust has been broken (and the other party, is not genuinely honest). But anyway, enough of that aye… new year, new life 😛
I believe that the subtle fading of pain is a journey. Consciously and unconsciously, the pain is taken with you, until it just evolves into joy. And that burden of pain just becomes lighter and lighter as you journey along life. What helped me overcome painful experiences have been my faith. There is a reason it happened, and I know that God helped me become a victorious overcomer. With God, I was able to become uninterested in previous life issues whenever I look back. And whenever I look back, I’m just so thankful that God helped me realise that those set-backs are his set-ups for me to become better and better.
Like what I’ve probably mentioned a gazillion of times, I had a weird break-up from a ten year relationship (which 90% was LDR btw, but we started really young, I was 13 and he was 16 when I used to live in Manila). By weird I mean, there was no proper discussion nor closure of why it had to end. We never had ‘that conversation’, those typical break-up talks of “let’s be friends” or “it’s over between us” or “i don’t love you anymore” or “i’m seeing someone else”. I did know that it was going nowhere. We were heading towards a decision to move the relationship to another level, as long distance is something that was temporary and we’ve been waiting for a long time to finally get the chance to be together. There was that fear of the unknown where there was a greater risk for him to leave the Philippines as he did not see himself living in another country (that was one of the reasons why I’m afraid of engaging in another LDR). I also did feel that there was another woman — a woman simply knows if there’s another woman.
And so after a ten year relationship, it was best at that time to just, cut communication and live life pretending that person never existed for the past ten years of my life. Basically, stranger-zone. He has his own life, and I also did. I focused on self-improvement and my faith. I’ve never heard much from him anymore and I was not really that interested. Not even affected, I pretty much do not care at all. Surely there were times when common friends of ours would sometimes tease me with the past, but I no longer care anymore. A guy once asked me what if we bump into each other, my answer was that, I’d say hi, but nothing more than that because my care for the person have completely disappeared — even if he gets married tomorrow, it’s not really my business at all.
So in 2014, there were times when I receive messages from the X-factor. The messages I received were random and occurred on unpredictable days of the year. Whether it was a tweet, a Facebook like, or a Facebook private message. To be honest, I was surprised because in my mind, someone whom I’ve buried on the stranger-zone is someone who I believed will never again rise up from his grave. But sarcasm aside, I was surprised because ill-feelings are no longer there, and I don’t find anything wrong with being welcome to the idea of opening up communication lines again with him. It just reminded me of how many times I’ve caused God pain and heartache, yet His communication lines have always been open. Who am I to deny that privilege to someone? And I guess… ten years is ten years, and he has been a part of the history of my life.
And so, after years of cutting off communication lines, 2014 was a year when communication lines re-opened. I would most likely bet that opening the communication lines was a way to start things fresh, where the past is really not that big of a deal anymore, and that we’ve both forgiven each other.
Brief conversations happened, but I was no longer interested in prolonging conversations. Do not get me wrong, the bitterness and the pain that I’ve felt in the past are no longer there. I just feel like we really need that closure conversation before we can push through with friendship. Because perhaps by then, we’re free to talk without having to question each other’s motives. It’s just awkward to read him saying jokes where at the end of the line, I’m thinking — are we close? But I do not want to put him off, I guess opening communication lines at the start can be a bit awkward.
Whatever happens, if a friendship blossoms or not, I’ll leave that to God’s plan. I’m really choosy with my friends, but the ones whom I have chosen, I really treasure the most. None the less, 2014 was a year when that pain has been gone (actually, even before 2014 started). But perhaps after those random conversations with him last year, I’ve realised that I’ve been afraid to open myself to a new relationship because of what happened in the past… but this time around, I’m ready to love again without the baggage of an old relationship. I’m not afraid anymore. Because of the overflowing love and grace of Jesus, I love Jesus more than anyone else. And with faith, my fear of entering a new relationship is no longer there.
God is my rock of refuge and he delivered and set me free from pain (Psalm 31:1-5).